No Longer A Victim
Sexual Abuse. Just writing those words brings back memories that truly seem a lifetime ago but no longer make me feel like a victim or dirty because God had a plan in the midst of my dark valley.
My mom died unexpectedly when I was 12 and my whole world fell apart as I was thrown into a world and culture I knew nothing about. My mom was a single parent raising my older sister, who was married at the time, and me in Europe. My sister and I had different American fathers and they were not in the picture. Because my mom did not have a Will, the government wanted to find my father who was my legal guardian. They found him and he and my stepmother came to visit. They said they were taking me to America to show me where they lived and that I would come back in a few weeks, but that was not the truth.
Shortly after arriving, my stepmother asked her younger brother (9 years older than me) to spend time with me. He drove me around and played music for me, trying to relate to me since I could not speak the language. He started coming into my bedroom at night and would touch me and I had no idea what that was about. I had never lived with a male, other than being around my grandfather back home, so did not know this was not normal. It did not stop and he took away something that could never be given back. There was one time my mom walked in on us but accused me of starting it and to not tell my dad anything about it. What I thought would end it only encouraged it. I begged to go back to home, but was finally told that would never happen. I tried to end my life three different times, wanting to stop the pain I was feeling.
I went to a Christian concert and enjoyed the music but had no idea what they were singing about or what was going on. There was an invitation and I found myself walking forward but not knowing why. One of the girls in the group took me in the back and tried to share the 4 spiritual laws but other than the pictures I could not understand what she was saying. She finally took my hands, bowed her head and prayed. After a few words I shook her and said you are speaking my language and I can understand you! She said No, you are speaking English! A true miracle had occurred in just minutes and I had ears that could hear and words I could speak. I still had to learn to read and write, but I now had a way to communicate and thought I could survive.
I told my dad that I did not want to go to visit my stepmom’s family because I did not want her brother to continue to come after me. But I was severely punished by my dad for throwing a fit and not wanting to be with family. This went on for three years. When I turned 15 I came up with real excuses as to why I could not go to visit family, and at 17 I moved out to finally be free. I was really trying to understand why my mom died and why I ended up in America only to be taken advantage of and struggling through the teenage years. But I believed God had a plan in the midst of all of this because He gave me the language and I was not able to kill myself. There had to be more.
Then I met a boy who would become my husband. We were married and I was glad when we moved far away from my family. But 4 years later he took a job in the city that my parents lived in. Before a family gathering I would have stomach issues and get very stressed. I told my husband I had an uncomfortable relationship with an uncle but did not tell him why, still holding the shame I carried. Fast forward, we are now living in another city and our daughter is 12. We came home from swimming at the neighborhood pool and I come around the corner to see her sitting on my brother-in-law’s lap in a bikini and I went off, yelling at him to let her go. It was a flashback to the first time I was raped. I was in a bathing suit and, seeing her, I saw myself and had to protect the little girl.
A couple of years of intense counseling and sharing the entire truth with my husband, I confronted the uncle and my parents for their part in covering it all up. The shame, guilt and pain I carried all of those years was finally in the open. The Truth was truly setting me free. Part of my counseling was working through my understanding of God. He was there while all of this was happening to me and He could have changed the course of my life. But He had a plan to use this in my life and now I can minister to abused young girls whose lives I can identify with because I have walked in their footsteps.
I wish I would not have had to go through what I did, but I have come to realize we live in a fallen world with broken people who hurt others. This was not God’s plan, but thankfully His Son took all the evil of this world to the cross to make us whole again and in right relationship with His Father. My life has not been easy on this side of heaven but I know God has been with me every step of the way. From my broken life he has made beauty from the ashes. I have been married 40+ years, have 3 truly amazing children with wonderful spouses, and 9 precious grandchildren. God is good.