My Choice. My Body. My Voice.
My Choice. My Body. My Voice.
Today’s popular slogans. Yet for me, my choice to abort did not liberate me or my body, and it silenced my voice. Abortion did not grant me freedom. My story is my journey from deep regret to being free to embrace true freedom and have hope for a tomorrow. My Hope in The One.
Abortion is a tough subject...for all affected by it. I can no longer speak for one who has not made that choice, I cannot speak for the life that was aborted, but I can speak of my own experience with abortion. For me, when I hear people say it is a woman’s free right to choose in regard to abortion my response is there was no real freedom for me and many others who made that choice. Sometimes all it takes is the sound of a vacuum and you are catapulted back to the reality of freedom of choice and the untold consequences to life...your compromised unfree life and that of the one you took. For me it was a silent hell and U-Haul full of disgust I hitched to my bumper and tried to pull each day. And each day, I would step out into life and try to do my best and stay a step ahead and pray and hope for the best... An exhausting cycle. By outward appearance I seemed put together, strong and happy. I had a family and friends and an abusive marriage and fibromyalgia, and IBS and Lord help me! And that He did.
I had learned through my childhood experiences the art of survival – pull those boot straps up higher, forget everything from the last second backward, put your blinders on tighter and trudge ahead. Do good. Don’t you dare think about sharing your inner thoughts, hurts, or feelings with others. That would make them glaringly real and then you’d have to deal with them. So, I stuffed them into the U-Haul with all my other regrets and unspoken hurts. I so couldn’t live with the decision I made so I chose to deny its existence and tried harder in all my ways to work to prove I was acceptable.
In my 20's, when circumstances got too burdensome, I would pray, Lord help me. He always gave me some sign that He was near. As years went by, I learned to trust that He was there to help me, not crush me and gavel me to death for my choices to date. And it was because of this firm foundation and relationship we were building that I could trust His gentle answer to me when I hit rock bottom and cried out to Him. I raised my eyes toward heaven, with all I had left – really truly seeking and ready to put myself and all my good deeds and efforts aside and cried out for His help. It was then that I received my first audible from my gracious Heavenly Father. I heard Him say “I love you, it’s okay” and then I actually felt His arms around me comforting me. I do not have the words to describe how comforting His presence felt. I SO did not deserve any of that. I deserved jail and death. BUT GOD! That was my New Beginning and real living Hope in The One.
Because of this relationship and trust I now had with Jesus, I allowed Him to help me through the next steps of healing. I’ll never forget it! It was as if He was truly sitting next to me holding my hand and helping me have the courage to open my eyes and look at the ‘U-Haul’ of disgust I had created. Although the site was unbearably awful, it was not as massive as I had created it to be in my mind. I felt hope. We didn’t empty the whole container that first day - that took time - but the task had begun and with His help it didn’t bury me alive as I feared it would. The task was to address each circumstance I had stashed in there individually, call it by name out loud, ask for forgiveness for myself or forgive whomever for whatever the offense was, lay it at His feet (because it is His job to take care of those sins for us – in fact He already died to set us free from them), and then choose to walk free from the hold it had on me. Interestingly, I was able to accept His forgiveness, even for abortion, but I was a strong hold out on forgiving myself. This took time. Yet, my hope was in Him now, not in me.
For me, naming abortion out loud was huge, and key to moving forward. I was then able to grieve not only the loss of life of the two I had taken but also my own. For years I had lived in my own prison as consequence for what I had done. I never felt as though I should be forgiven, and I knew I certainly did not deserve it...but that's the thing about God! His unmerited favor. We can't earn it or His love. Its a free gift He extends to all choice making people. And for me, its a gift that has truly set me free and gave me peace of mind and soul where there had been none. My choice for freedom through abortion nearly killed me. My choice for freedom through Hope in the One saved my life.
Choices matter.
I made the choice for freedom of unwanted pregnancies. I gained a life of regret and shame.
I made the choice for freedom and forgiveness through Christ. I gained peace and life and hope.
My Choice. My Body. My Voice. Now, My Freedom.