Stories of Hope

My story is difficult for me to share... sometimes it seems like ancient history that is too painful to revisit.  But I remember like it was yesterday. You see, my sin was not partying, or drugs, or getting in trouble. No, my downfall was pride and selfishness, an over inflated ego.  Let me start at the beginning.

I was the middle child of five siblings and by all measures had a wonderful childhood with a loving family. Being profoundly insecure as a young boy I had a very poor self-image.  As I got older I found that when I excelled at sports my self confidence increased dramatically. Sports essentially defined me throughout my teenage years, and along with success in sports came popularity. I had many friends and girlfriends, was a good student, a good athlete, and just basically a good kid. Although I claimed a faith in Christ, deep down I did not live it. With each subsequent success and award my confidence soared and I became more selfish and prideful. Indeed, I came to believe that I legitimately deserved all the accolades that came my way. 

I played sports in college and continued to be a popular guy. I dated all the pretty girls, and ultimately married one of the prettiest and sweetest girls on campus. But it didn’t take long for me to become bored and unfulfilled. Demonstrating my lack of character I broke our wedding vows and committed adultery. As time went by my unfaithfulness only got worse. I rationalized my behavior to myself, but it completely destroyed my wife. I became numb to her feelings because, after all, life was all about me.  We eventually separated at my insistence so I could more easily conduct my affairs. I was in my late-twenties and I felt free to do what I wanted!

Surprisingly, when my wife filed for divorce I was completely blindsided, and then devastated. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I just couldn’t believe what she was doing to me.  I was so self-absorbed that I couldn’t imagine she would ever reject me. I was depressed and miserable, but again, life was all about me.  As I realized the full consequences of my actions my world, and ego, came crashing down. For the first time in my life I was a failure, a statistic. I was so distraught that I had trouble going to work, trouble eating, trouble sleeping. As I began to appreciate the harm that I had caused my eyes slowly started to open.  It was at this time that I seriously contemplated suicide. I could not face the fact that I had consciously and willingly hurt a beautiful individual who had so lovingly trusted me; that I had sinned greatly against a God who loved me; that I had let down my family who expected the best from me. My guilt was more than I could bear. The pain I felt was so real it was palpable, and it never left me. I felt like a walking zombie. My life had sunk to such a low point that I could no longer go on.  Suicidal thoughts consumed me day and night, so I finally made the decision to end my life. I was so methodical that I planned everything to the smallest detail of how, where, when. I even wrote out a simple will directing how to manage my possessions when I was gone.  On the eve of my planned suicide I was alone in my apartment wrestling with my thoughts when I suddenly found myself on my knees crying into the carpet, sobbing, begging for God to take the pain from my heart. It was a genuine, guttural cry for help. I lost all track of time, but what happened next was truly a miracle. I abruptly quit crying, and I then noticed the pain had vanished. The urgency and anxiety had instantly evaporated, and it took me a moment to understand what was happening.  God had indeed healed me! When I finally stood up I felt differently... the pain was completely gone and a deep calm had come over me.  I then sat on my couch and prayed to God Almighty who loves me more than I can comprehend. I prayed rationally, calmly, and under control as I repented of my sin.  I asked for, and sensed, God’s forgiveness and his presence. It was then I determined that with his help I could persevere.  I was fully changed in that moment. He had granted me a deep, abiding peace that only he can give, and I never felt that pain again. 

God healed me. I still had to go through a difficult divorce, but my eyes were on God during the entire ordeal and I made it through.  Looking back I now understand the wonder of God’s forgiveness. It is a healing and restoration into a loving fellowship with him. You see, it took my depression and suicidal plans to bring me to the brink where I could actually see that God’s forgiveness in Jesus Christ was always there. I just had to seek him to find it. Forgiveness – what an absolutely freeing sensation it is! I am a child of God, and he promises never to leave me nor forsake me, even when I don’t acknowledge or understand it.

It is interesting that in that moment God took away all pride and confidence in myself. On the other hand, I became vastly more confident in what God can do through me. I realized that in and of myself I could do nothing, but with God, I could do great things. My talents didn’t change, but I began to give God the glory for all my successes.  It’s a mindset. I no longer saw myself as entitled or deserving.  Everything I have, everything I am, I owe to him.  Since that day my life has been on a completely different trajectory. I shortly thereafter met my wonderful wife and we have been happily married for nearly 40 years. She is a lovely, incredible lady; truly a perfect gift from God at a time of great need. We have a wonderful family with children and grand children. God has blessed my career and business beyond my wildest dreams, and I have continued in faithfulness to my God, and my wife, to this very day.  God did not take away the consequences of my sin, but he gave me a whole new direction and a new path. As I devoted my life to God, he has walked with me every step of the way and blessed me on my new journey – one filled with the utmost joy and happiness. As I look back I cannot fathom missing out on these last 40 years.

If you are contemplating suicide, please take a time out to pray to God. Genuinely pray. He promises that if we honestly seek him, we will find him. There is always hope, so put your Hope-in-the-One who can truly forgive and heal the hurts in your life and set you on a new path. And nothing is too big, or bad, for him to forgive. He loves you more than you can ever know, and he will show you a way through all the pain to the rewarding life he so desires for you. 

Blessings.